Friday, October 31, 2008

Mischief Night

Now you may think me crazy by the end of this post, but think what you will.

Mischief Night is always a big thing in the Witmer home. Every year since we have lived in our house we have gotten hit by eggs on this night. It is usually our car that sits on the road, and sometimes our van in the driveway. Needless to say, I'm tired of it happening and vowed this year would be different.

I thought many schemes to prevent and punish the perpetrators this year. One of the best was a semi-auto paint ball gun offered to me by Jeff Baker. I imagined laying on the peak of my roof when some destructive teenagers drove by (windows opened, eggs flying). They pull past my corner-lot arms back, ready to launch an Annual series of eggs, and.......WHABAM!!!!!! From the rooftop in full camo and A-Team music in the background comes Pastor Rambo, paintballs shooting at a furious pace. I can see the red balls making their mark, covering car and passenger with a vengeance unknown since our boys stormed Normandy.

Well, I forgot to borrow the paintball

I installed a fake security camera from Harbor Freight for 8.99. Yeah...that will detour them. It occurred to me after installation that you can't see that thing during the night. So, I go down stairs for the spotlight and send Daniel to the garage for the extension cord. As I do this, I am thinking, "In WV, I would just load some shotgun shells with Rock salt and we would be done with this foolishness."
So, I run the extension cord through the front window of our entrance way and clip the spotlight under the "security camera" to shine on my yard and 2 Presidential Candidate signs. (BTW, I had two stolen, one at a time, so I replaced them with 2 large yard signs back-to-back and one fake security camera watching them). Anyhow, the spotlight illuminates the entire yard, car, road, and through most bedrooms of Salem Woods) Excellent. One final precaution: I sent Daniel downstairs for Andrew's aluminum T-ball bat. Yes. Bring it on. (for the squeamish among you, I did not prepare to use Amy's 9mm pistol because the "servant of God must not strive."

Amy and I go to bed.....we hear yelling voices out front -- I jump out of bed with the fury of Jehu and run to the window. Its steamed up....I can't see...through a crack I see crazy a teen driving up and down the road with open windows. I think of my 270 rifle with scope, not 20 feet away in the closet --- no, no, their driving away and they have no apparent eggs. (a few unapparent ones, but no apparent ones). (BTW, an unapparent egg is a a chick with no Rooster-figure in his life)

Anyhow, I go back to bed and shut my eyes.....more rutkas.......I look out the window and there are eggs everywhere....the car is covered, yard looks like it was raining eggs --- no cars or teens in site. NO, wait......I'm dreaming....the alarm rings. Now I'm awake.....I grab my sweats, hat, flashlight, and run for the front door..... political signs are eggless, car, yard, road....eggless. WITMER PARANOIA HAS PREVAILED.

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